Skydiving, Cause Mom Said So.

My mom's last words: "Love and forgive, love and forgive and DON'T be afraid to try new things!"

Last words are powerful.  They sum up an entire life of lessons learned, unlearned, victories and regrets.  They leave you wondering what words you'll be leaving with your own children.  They prompt thoughts of the life you want to live and the legacy you want to leave behind. 

I decided that all that I care that remains of me is a legacy of love and adventure.  I want my future partner and children to know what love looks and feels like.  To know their mom, wife, grandma knew how to love God and loved others like God does--ferociously and recklessly.   I also want to inspire them to be fearless.  To run into the storms of life knowing that all of heaven backs them. To travel every inch of creation discovering the riches that can't be stolen---culture, exhilaration, love for living. To risk failure by not settling for the mediocre.  I want to live outrageous adventures and document every bit of it.  I want my kids to open an old chest in the attic someday with photos of me around the world and  travel journals filled with my ramblings, revelation, discoveries...astonishments. 

I realized this year, I have been living in a posture of waiting for life to happen. Waiting for outcomes to unfold for me rather than making the outcome I desire a reality. So much life has happened to me...at me.  I'd grown accustomed to just dealing with the circumstances that had been dropped in my lap--hence life happening at me, i.e mom's cancer, crazy family circumstances, raising my nephew.  I was just surviving life not living it.   I dreamed of adventure. Had and have the wishlist for those things I wanted to happen, but I didn't take ownership of them.  I didn't know how to live.  Even in business, I tend to let it run me rather than me run it.  I filter my content knowing that clients will see whether I am working on their photos. I edit myself down to suit someone else.  I'm pretty sure that isn't living.  It's slavery.  No one's fault but my own and I am glad that I let myself out of those shackles. 

Tomorrow is the day. That ominous yet auspicious year that feels like you should really know what the heck you're doing.  The truth is kids, I don't.  I feel like a walking dichotomy of youth and age.  I have lived some intense seasons of life that make me feel about 100 years old yet I feel like life is just starting.  I choose to live out of the latter mindset.  I choose to start living intentionally and in the moment.  Life isn't in a future tense. It's now.  

So I've done some pretty cool things.  I've done some traveling, have seen a few great views from mountaintops, have been on some adrenaline filled rollercoaster rides and have met people from around the world that have shaped me for life....but skydiving......it feels like the true start to all of my future adventure and world traveling shenanigans. Why? because skydiving is a complete plummet in the face of fear and telling it to SUCK IT.  It's that moment when you get to win and feel every moment of that win.  It's SHEER joy!  

Diving out of a perfectly good plane and just free falling putting faith in a few pounds of nylon. Insane. Liberating. Exhilarating. JOY giving. Ahhhh...Skydiving.  I seriously need to write a poem about it. It's the new love of my life. Srsly. 

My sweet, amazing and badass friend, Amy decided this was the year to do something crazy too. She had her first baby (my god-niece...aka...the cutest child on the planet) and turned 30.  This was her year to give life and have a life! Side note: Ugh...she got so much flack for being a new mom and skydiving.  To you hyper critical, judging haters out there,  it's more selfish for you to drive to the store for milk than to skydive. Shove it. Stats don't lie.

We both decided to not give a frick what anyone thought and do something crazy amazing. Skydiving...duh.

Why my choice to Skydive? I was lamenting the fact that I didn't get to this age and have the things my heart really desires...my forever man.  Amazon Prime and commitment.  Not too much to ask for 40. We'll talk about dating later.  I mean...things aren't totally bleak in that arena. More on that later friends.  I digress. 

Since I didn't have the thing that I've been longing for for so long, I decided to make sure I didn't lose myself in the desire and make sure I'm friggin' living my life! Right? Can I get an Amen!? 

The stresses of being self-employed, cars breaking down, friendships gone crazy, church stuff, community, business, dating, finances, all of the things that I couldn't escape from were brewing and are still brewing.  But it was so worth it to have preplanned this event.  I made sure that a date was set and that I had someone to do it with me so that I couldn't put another thing I wanted to do on the back burner to keep the other fires at bay. Which is what I typically do. So if you're push-the-good-stuff-of-life-for-later kind of person. Stop.  Life will pass you by and you need to live NOW.  Find a friend and go have an adventure. 

Skydiving fundamentally changed Amy and I.  Seriously.  

The play by play.  

Life was so busy that I really didn't have time to overthink it.  I highly recommend not dwelling on it. Just set the date and go.  Live in denial until you drive up to the jump zone. 

I decided to distract Amy from thinking about it too much by talking about everything else but skydiving. Who are we kidding...it was for me too.  

As soon as we could see the sign for Paraclete XP, I literally just let out several huge screams in the car. Poor Amy.

My stomach was like  "holy S%^^!! Christina, what the heck are you about to do?!" So many cuss words. So many happened. So many. Lol.

We get there and I totally thought we were going to be surrounded with other nervous idiots and that we'd all be thrown into a class together for hour on learning how not to die. 

Nope, we get there, all the people look super cool and jacked on adrenaline.  We felt like two moms. Hahaha.

Amy was smart...she opted to wear the suit they provide and I decided to look like a desperate house wife in my trying-to-look-cool-for-the-camera outfit.  Girls...omg...don't do that. Those straps they put you in shift all of your clothing.  It tells on you...cause fat rolls and also made my boobs fall practically fall out of my bra. Not pretty.  You're not seeing the actual footage.  My face looks like a parachute but I also look like a fluffy, half Asian, wannabe desperate housewife.  Sigh. Amy and I laughed so hard at my footage.  In one shot...when I thought I looked cool....I actually looked like I was giving birth at 13,000 feet in the sky. True story. 

Back to the experience.

We're introduced to our sky spooning partner.  Yep ladies, if you need some affection...you get a handsome fella spooning you for a bit.  I wasn't mad at it. haha. Kidding. Maybe not. Kidding though. Srsly.  Amy's spooning dude was annoying to her.  My guy was great.  Totally made me feel comfortable and like I wasn't gonna die that day. 

We had to watch a quick video with some guy from 1985 that resembled the unibomber tell us that we signed our lives away and we'd have to be ok with it.  Then the instructors strap you in and give you about a 5 min tutorial on how it all works. That's it!  No test. No repeat of instructions. That's when I may have peed a little.  

What do you mean, I can't get Asian and ask for notes and a study guide first!? 

Whew. Breathe.

We march into the wee little plane with other crazy adrenaline junkies that knew what they were doing.  Yes, we were the only two newbs on the plane. 

They told us dad jokes (my fave) all the way up to distract us from the churning puke emerging. 

Then the doors flung open.  That's when it's hella scary.  The doors.  The doors that keep all of the safe and cozy feels inside.  Two experienced skydivers jumped out side by side looking super cool (me someday with future bae). 

Then they took us HIGHER! Us...the newbs....and at 13,500 feet they flung the doors open again. Amy was first.  Within seconds....my girl was barreling out of the plane....no time...just poof...gone.  Then my guy screamed a few things in my ear that I could barely hear and my butt went plummeting out of the plane too. 

OMG...OMG...OMG. The wind is 30 degrees colder up there than down below but you don't feel it at all...because adrenaline...omg...adrenaline.  

It's like the best moment of every roller coaster you've ever ridden all at once.  You are completely falling from the sky with no parachute open. I'm sure we somersaulted a few times...I can't remember...but it was incredible.  

Then he opens the chute and that moment....

I suddenly got choked up with joy...

Not the joy of surviving....

The sheer joy of LIVING!!  

Like...all hell maybe broken loose in my life...I might even be failing horribly, but right now, I am living.

It felt like the exhale after all of the years of just holding my breath to survive the crapstorm of life of the last couple of decades. 

It was also punching fear in the face and taking it down like a lion takes down it's prey. Maybe more like Conner MacGregor taking down his next victim...including that crazy arrogant look in his eyes.  Not being dramatic.  For me, anxiety and fear have held me back because life proved over and over again that the other shoe is always going to drop...it makes you feel powerless from time to time.  This was me getting to punch that demon in the face and killing it for good.  

It was saying YES, to life.  It was doing exactly what my mom said to do. 

I knew the very moment we landed that I was addicted.  I absolutely knew it.  I fell in love with it.  My plan is to get my license to jump solo anytime, anywhere...no spooning partner (maybe I should rethink this).

I plan on doing it as often as possible and in every place possible.  I've never been to the Grand Canyon.  It is so happening when I go. Dubai. India. Korea. California. Puerto Rico....  all of the places. 

I mean...the view. You basically get to be a human drone hyped on adrenaline and joy....all of the good feels.  Duh...addiction. 

I learned so many things about myself in one tiny adventure.  

One of them....I'm glad I haven't settled for the wrong dude.  Now I know, I could never be with a partner that sat on the sidelines or was passive in life.  I gotta have a partner that will engage in the highs. The bestie that shares at least some of the biggest passions of my life. This is definitely one of them.  

Photography, world traveler, skydiver and sharp shooter is next.  That sounds like a cool granny to me. 

Desperate Housewives: Skydiving at 40 Edition.

Amy giving Matt and my sweet Avett Rose some love.

Avett: "Aunty Christina, can you please tell mom it's gonna be cool and that I already know she's a badass?!"

Creepy unibomber dude.

                                                                             

Cause aviators.

I love her. 

                                             

Approaching and now screaming loudly in the car. 

Suited up. Amy makes the sensible option.

Meet Justin. My big spoon. Sometimes my joking gets out of hand. The poor guy had to tell me he had a girlfriend. 

That moment...all the feels. 

Celebration drinks afterward wherein we laughed hysterically at my footage. Cause there was that much of a difference. Amy looked like a badass....Christina....well...God likes me to have a sense of humor so He keeps me humble.  I looked like I was terrified to give birth in the sky with my boobs falling out and we couldn't tell if my face as actually the parachute or not. 

Asian kids need certificates. I'm Special. 

Feeling my swag. 

Feeling my swag again....wishing I had worn this instead of the other. Sigh.

GO SKYDIVING. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!

"The wicked flee when no one pursues them,
But the righteous are as bold as a lion."

Proverbs 28:1

Life So Far

(Grabbed my own writing from a friend's blog. Time saver!) 

It really is true. If God showed you the road that lay ahead, you’d never start walking it.

I am turning 40 this year. FORTY! It was yesterday that I was 21 and thinking 40 was eons away and assumed  that I’d be married, have a big mortgage, a loving husband, a brood of children, complete with the minivan that I would reluctantly purchase to soccer-mom myself all over NC.

Instead, I’m single, building a career photographing the highlight reel of life for others, an empty nester with an adult son, have about ten different retired dating profiles out in the cloud (to include a trail of ex-boyfriends as evidence of my failed attempts at finding love in my own efforts),  reading about ten different self-help books trying to make sure that I am not apart of the equation of Mr. “Right” not finding me.

Yup. This. Is. 40. And I’m finally ready to start living. To start embracing what can’t be changed. Ready to let go of the past. Ready to embrace experiences that shaped me while refusing to be defined by the pain. Ready to be the most authentic version of myself. Ready for joy. Ready for surrender. He whispers continually to me, “surrender to my process, not yours, daughter.” Fine, Jesus. Challenge accepted. He’s like… “FINALLY--let’s roll, girl!”

When you’re young and on fire for Jesus, you assume that as long as you stay the course, read all of the books, and do all of the Christiany things, that you end up with the Christian life of your dreams. That if you do the things then God gives you your heart’s desire automatically. He does do that and you definitely should do all of the  things, but those things come with so much need for your heart to be shaped by God. It also means accepting the fact that your desires and His desires may not be one in the same.

The process of shaping your heart isn’t pretty because it feels much like open heart surgery. It doesn’t  feel good. It never feels fair. At times, it can feel like you’re going to physically die because the amount of struggle that God allows you to handle in a day is much, much more than you imagined. It never feels like God’s goodness but oh, sweet sister, it is.  His goodness in your life looks like a thousand deaths so that you might find life in Him. If you dream big, that’s probably from Him. But with big dreams comes a life that must be surrendered for “to whom much is given, much is required (Luke 12:48)”.

I grew up in a crazy household. I was born into chaos and dysfunction. My mom was Korean and came from devastation that can’t be comprehended by most of us and then she married my father, an alcoholic G.I.  It was anything but love. My dad wanted a trophy wife and punching bag and my mom wanted a ticket to “freedom” and “prosperity” in America for she and my sister. Yep. Not a good start. Two very broken humans brought me into the world and never did the soul work to be healed. They did one good thing for me. They gave me Jesus.  That’s enough. Jesus is enough. Didn’t know that until now.

When I was 21 years old, I knew nothing.  I knew that I wanted to do something with the pain of my past for the good of others. So, I wanted a degree in Christian counseling. I wanted to be the help that I needed desperately while  growing up. I assumed that I’d go the post graduate route where I’d probably meet my husband and start the life I had dreamed of but never got to experience. I was determined that I would have what my parents never gave me. Instead, I became a single mom.

After a year sabbatical from school, I decided enough was enough, time to get on with life and go back to college.  It was the first time that Liberty University had fully funded 100% of my expenses and I was so thrilled. I was excited to go back and not have to be a burden to my parents; excited to start afresh with clear vision  and get on the path to the desires of my heart. I was ready for life.

That summer prior to my return back to school, I moved home to mom’s house in Fayetteville, NC.  OMGosh..I HATED it there! I was used to the beaches of Florida or the gorgeous mountains of Virginia. Fayetteville seemed like a wasteland of pine trees, strip clubs, tattoo parlors and G.I.s.  I was ready to peace out of there. Why on earth did you choose to move to Fayetteville, mom? So weird! Ugh. But there I was. I was counting down the days to returning to school. Little did I know that I’d live there for ten years, raise a kid, start a business and have the biggest growing experience of my life.

My sister who is about 9 years older than I, randomly dropped into stay with us. She brought my cute little nephew home too.

As you can imagine, my sister took the brunt of all of the worst my parents had to offer. Consequently, she struggled tremendously to find her footing and stride as an adult. She and my nephew were in and out of women’s and homeless shelters.  My sister, with a brilliant IQ and incredible artistic talent could do anything she wanted, but was so full of unresolved pain that she just couldn’t find Christ, healing or freedom.

One day, I came home from my part time summer job to just feel totally unsettled by how my sister was acting. There was something off. I can’t explain my response other than---God. But there was this singular moment that I can remember vividly where I just knew that someone had to take care of Dalvin and the only one to do it was me. My mother just couldn’t and my sister-- incapable. That left me. So, just like that, I asked her for custody.  After a huge struggle, she knew it was best and I became a single mom. Within a month’s time, we also discovered that my mom’s breast cancer had returned and it returned with a vengeance. My parents were separated and my sister had gone off somewhere. That left me, a four year old and a sick mother. College student was retired--mother and caretaker I became.

That summer was the death of my plans and the beginning of His. Dalvin became the making of me. Whew. That was a ton of background just to tell you that there may be a singular moment God brings you to. A moment where you He asks you to take a road less traveled; a road with steep climbs, edgy cliffs, rough winds, but also incredible adventures. Adventures of discovering Him. All of Him. The adventure of forming an unshakeable faith. A faith that comes from crying out from the depths of your heart because there is no one else standing beside you to help you. A faith that makes you step right into the pages of the Bible and wave it around at Him in the throne room of grace where you remind Him of His promises through screaming, yelling, tears, singing, jumping, shouting--”This thing you did with the ancients?….DO IT AGAIN! Come Lord, be ALL that you declare Yourself to be and deliver me!”  

Sister, when you are forced to your knees and there is no one else to save you but Him, He shows up.  He designs those moments to need only Him and to train your hands for war (Psalm 144:1). He designed those moments to shake you loose of your false self, your fantasies of what “ought to be”, your flesh, your idols--all to render you wholly ready to say, “yes Lord, not my will be yours be done.”  

The beautiful thing about surrender, is that the whole time, His plan was to prepare you for dreams bigger than you expected with fruit greater than you could have produced had you followed your own path. To give you spiritual grit and fortitude.

In this process, God showed me how flawed I am. How capable of sin I am. How much pride I had, and how much I needed to understand grace and His crazy love for me.  He’s taught me that in Him, I am far more capable of doing big scary things than I thought possible. He’s taught me that chasing perfection is an unavailing and futile quest. Jesus was perfection so that we don’t have to be. He showed me that my worth is in Him and not some elusive place of arriving.  He’s given me freedom to accept my frailty and take up His strength instead.

Friends, we never stop the process of unbecoming who we were to become fully who He created us to be. So why not cast the cares and anxieties of the process  to Him? Embrace the beauty of your own authenticity. Who you are right now is totally ENOUGH. We are enough for God. We are enough for the world because if we lack what it takes, He fills in the gaps with all of who He is. I’m telling you now, stop chasing perfection. Give yourself a break and enjoy you. Practice liking you. Practice saying….”I am enough.”

100% transparency time.  

Girls, I am a hot mess! And I’m ok with it!

God has been gracious to me and has given me glimpses of things to come. He has spoken them to my heart and to others and I know that they are coming. He’s shown me some of the why. Took a few near death battles with my flesh to produce lasting fruit and character to handle the big stuff to come.

But for now, He’s beckoning me to another level of surrender.  There are certain wounds that I haven’t thoroughly dealt with and I am FINALLY saying, Yes, Lord, let’s deal. And guess what? He’s meeting me with grace. It’s actually easier than I thought.  Freedom and peace feel so incredibly sweet.

I know the bestie for life is coming. I know  exciting paths of ministry are ahead. I know that travel is coming. I know that family will come. I know that all of the things He’s whispered are coming.  But He’s asking me to drop some of the heavy luggage so that I can travel lightly so that I can enjoy the Promise Land unencumbered. I can’t explain it, but there are times when He supernaturally plops faith onto you.  You just know in your knower that He’s up to something fun and good and exciting.

I am so in love with this good, good Father of ours.  He is a faithful Papa, friend, joy giver, provider and dream fulfiller.

I’m guessing, based on the stuff God is dealing with in my heart, that meeting the guy is next and I am so excited for that big reveal day. It’s been quite a road of waiting and I am so sick of people telling me the annoying things they say to make us waiters feel better. Bless them. You’re not alone in your headache from all of your eye rolling. There’s grace for them and for you.

Part of this process of being ready for him has been just accepting myself. God whispered to my heart that who I am right now is enough for the guy he’s preparing. All of my flaws, fluff, wrinkles and dorkiness is enough. So...I’m taking God at His word and learning to enjoy this hot mess that I am and praying for my guy to have a sense of humor and patience to deal. Haha!

Skydiving, Tattoos, Dating, Under Eye Bags & Purpose

I turn a big number this year. I can barely muster the digits. I won't for now.  Numbers are the WORST! They boss us around so much. They tell us how long we'll be stuck  at the DMV, determine how dimwitted or intelligent we are, remind us how many pounds we are away from "health," and finally...this age thing...this lame number, forcefully declares that we ought to have arrived at some certain stage of life. The pressure!

So what does a gal do to hash out all of the messy journey to "the big number?" She starts a blog. Duh. 

As you can see in the headline, I plan on covering all of the above. 

This blog is going to be me. It's going to be as vulnerable as my guts will allow. It's going to be full of imperfection.  I am saying it here and now.  I am NOT going to be theologically perfect. It's definitely NOT going to be grammatically perfect. I am NOT going to always be in a great mood.  This is NOT a business blog but I might chat about photography candidly here. This is totally whatever needs to be processed, whatever God puts on my heart, whatever, whatever, whatever....all of the things and whatever. 

Should the Lord decide it should grow into something greater than a place to relate and cheer each other on, so be it. 

Why the name, "Who Could She Be?" 

My swell friend, Matt Martin uttered the words out of his mouth at home group one night and I just knew that it was the name. 

For years, I've known that my calling is to women.  I have avoided all things "women's ministry" because it's always left a bad taste in my mouth.  Big conferences with matching t-shirts, big hair do's, crying women, drama....no bueno.  I mean...one conference, the speaker had us flapping our arms around like butterflies to somehow get us to be free. Um. No.  Not this girl.  Hence, about a decade of being Jonah. 

Recently, God kindly and gently eased me back into my lane.  It started with opening my eyes to the women in my life that just needed a friend. I mean...I've had friends and I've been a friend, but this time it was different. I knew that I needed to be aware of when He wanted me to be available.  To be present in mind and heart. Then it became clearer when He put a few younger fellow creative chicks into my life.  Younger versions of myself that needed the pep talk from a big sis. The #girlboss kinda talk.  Lastly, through the mouth of babes man!  One of those sweet middle schoolers stopped me after church one day to tell me that she felt like God wanted me to open my eyes to the girls He was putting in my life. That this season was about women in my life.  Middle school and high school girls from church just kinda started merging into my lane.  Just hopped on in and decided I was cool enough to hang with them.  

Regardless of age or stage in life, the common denominator in ALL of them was the deepest cry of a woman's heart--am I loved, lovable and worthy of love? Second to that and almost equally--am I beautiful? Thirdly, what is my purpose and do I have what it takes to fulfill it?

So, while this blog is going to be a deeply personal exploration of this year-of-the-big-number, undoubtedly, the theme of finding purpose and worth is going to emerge on the daily. 

Girl (and guys) I'm gonna talk about it ALL.  I think anyways.  My under eye bags, my screwups, my dating adventures, tattoos, books, music, business lady talk, searching for joy. All of the things. 

I turn that big number in November btw.  Help me figure out how to celebrate?

If you want to read a little more background, I did a little entry in my friend, Christian Reyes's blog.  I spilled my guts there.  Go visit and subscribe to her project too:  https://www.hashtagshelaughs.com/hashtagblog/2018/5/23/christinas-story

Below are a few of the gals God recently put into my life to reawaken a love for his daughters.  I love them all. 

I feel like I should say something like...stay tuned for more! So corny. You feel me.