Life So Far

(Grabbed my own writing from a friend's blog. Time saver!) 

It really is true. If God showed you the road that lay ahead, you’d never start walking it.

I am turning 40 this year. FORTY! It was yesterday that I was 21 and thinking 40 was eons away and assumed  that I’d be married, have a big mortgage, a loving husband, a brood of children, complete with the minivan that I would reluctantly purchase to soccer-mom myself all over NC.

Instead, I’m single, building a career photographing the highlight reel of life for others, an empty nester with an adult son, have about ten different retired dating profiles out in the cloud (to include a trail of ex-boyfriends as evidence of my failed attempts at finding love in my own efforts),  reading about ten different self-help books trying to make sure that I am not apart of the equation of Mr. “Right” not finding me.

Yup. This. Is. 40. And I’m finally ready to start living. To start embracing what can’t be changed. Ready to let go of the past. Ready to embrace experiences that shaped me while refusing to be defined by the pain. Ready to be the most authentic version of myself. Ready for joy. Ready for surrender. He whispers continually to me, “surrender to my process, not yours, daughter.” Fine, Jesus. Challenge accepted. He’s like… “FINALLY--let’s roll, girl!”

When you’re young and on fire for Jesus, you assume that as long as you stay the course, read all of the books, and do all of the Christiany things, that you end up with the Christian life of your dreams. That if you do the things then God gives you your heart’s desire automatically. He does do that and you definitely should do all of the  things, but those things come with so much need for your heart to be shaped by God. It also means accepting the fact that your desires and His desires may not be one in the same.

The process of shaping your heart isn’t pretty because it feels much like open heart surgery. It doesn’t  feel good. It never feels fair. At times, it can feel like you’re going to physically die because the amount of struggle that God allows you to handle in a day is much, much more than you imagined. It never feels like God’s goodness but oh, sweet sister, it is.  His goodness in your life looks like a thousand deaths so that you might find life in Him. If you dream big, that’s probably from Him. But with big dreams comes a life that must be surrendered for “to whom much is given, much is required (Luke 12:48)”.

I grew up in a crazy household. I was born into chaos and dysfunction. My mom was Korean and came from devastation that can’t be comprehended by most of us and then she married my father, an alcoholic G.I.  It was anything but love. My dad wanted a trophy wife and punching bag and my mom wanted a ticket to “freedom” and “prosperity” in America for she and my sister. Yep. Not a good start. Two very broken humans brought me into the world and never did the soul work to be healed. They did one good thing for me. They gave me Jesus.  That’s enough. Jesus is enough. Didn’t know that until now.

When I was 21 years old, I knew nothing.  I knew that I wanted to do something with the pain of my past for the good of others. So, I wanted a degree in Christian counseling. I wanted to be the help that I needed desperately while  growing up. I assumed that I’d go the post graduate route where I’d probably meet my husband and start the life I had dreamed of but never got to experience. I was determined that I would have what my parents never gave me. Instead, I became a single mom.

After a year sabbatical from school, I decided enough was enough, time to get on with life and go back to college.  It was the first time that Liberty University had fully funded 100% of my expenses and I was so thrilled. I was excited to go back and not have to be a burden to my parents; excited to start afresh with clear vision  and get on the path to the desires of my heart. I was ready for life.

That summer prior to my return back to school, I moved home to mom’s house in Fayetteville, NC.  OMGosh..I HATED it there! I was used to the beaches of Florida or the gorgeous mountains of Virginia. Fayetteville seemed like a wasteland of pine trees, strip clubs, tattoo parlors and G.I.s.  I was ready to peace out of there. Why on earth did you choose to move to Fayetteville, mom? So weird! Ugh. But there I was. I was counting down the days to returning to school. Little did I know that I’d live there for ten years, raise a kid, start a business and have the biggest growing experience of my life.

My sister who is about 9 years older than I, randomly dropped into stay with us. She brought my cute little nephew home too.

As you can imagine, my sister took the brunt of all of the worst my parents had to offer. Consequently, she struggled tremendously to find her footing and stride as an adult. She and my nephew were in and out of women’s and homeless shelters.  My sister, with a brilliant IQ and incredible artistic talent could do anything she wanted, but was so full of unresolved pain that she just couldn’t find Christ, healing or freedom.

One day, I came home from my part time summer job to just feel totally unsettled by how my sister was acting. There was something off. I can’t explain my response other than---God. But there was this singular moment that I can remember vividly where I just knew that someone had to take care of Dalvin and the only one to do it was me. My mother just couldn’t and my sister-- incapable. That left me. So, just like that, I asked her for custody.  After a huge struggle, she knew it was best and I became a single mom. Within a month’s time, we also discovered that my mom’s breast cancer had returned and it returned with a vengeance. My parents were separated and my sister had gone off somewhere. That left me, a four year old and a sick mother. College student was retired--mother and caretaker I became.

That summer was the death of my plans and the beginning of His. Dalvin became the making of me. Whew. That was a ton of background just to tell you that there may be a singular moment God brings you to. A moment where you He asks you to take a road less traveled; a road with steep climbs, edgy cliffs, rough winds, but also incredible adventures. Adventures of discovering Him. All of Him. The adventure of forming an unshakeable faith. A faith that comes from crying out from the depths of your heart because there is no one else standing beside you to help you. A faith that makes you step right into the pages of the Bible and wave it around at Him in the throne room of grace where you remind Him of His promises through screaming, yelling, tears, singing, jumping, shouting--”This thing you did with the ancients?….DO IT AGAIN! Come Lord, be ALL that you declare Yourself to be and deliver me!”  

Sister, when you are forced to your knees and there is no one else to save you but Him, He shows up.  He designs those moments to need only Him and to train your hands for war (Psalm 144:1). He designed those moments to shake you loose of your false self, your fantasies of what “ought to be”, your flesh, your idols--all to render you wholly ready to say, “yes Lord, not my will be yours be done.”  

The beautiful thing about surrender, is that the whole time, His plan was to prepare you for dreams bigger than you expected with fruit greater than you could have produced had you followed your own path. To give you spiritual grit and fortitude.

In this process, God showed me how flawed I am. How capable of sin I am. How much pride I had, and how much I needed to understand grace and His crazy love for me.  He’s taught me that in Him, I am far more capable of doing big scary things than I thought possible. He’s taught me that chasing perfection is an unavailing and futile quest. Jesus was perfection so that we don’t have to be. He showed me that my worth is in Him and not some elusive place of arriving.  He’s given me freedom to accept my frailty and take up His strength instead.

Friends, we never stop the process of unbecoming who we were to become fully who He created us to be. So why not cast the cares and anxieties of the process  to Him? Embrace the beauty of your own authenticity. Who you are right now is totally ENOUGH. We are enough for God. We are enough for the world because if we lack what it takes, He fills in the gaps with all of who He is. I’m telling you now, stop chasing perfection. Give yourself a break and enjoy you. Practice liking you. Practice saying….”I am enough.”

100% transparency time.  

Girls, I am a hot mess! And I’m ok with it!

God has been gracious to me and has given me glimpses of things to come. He has spoken them to my heart and to others and I know that they are coming. He’s shown me some of the why. Took a few near death battles with my flesh to produce lasting fruit and character to handle the big stuff to come.

But for now, He’s beckoning me to another level of surrender.  There are certain wounds that I haven’t thoroughly dealt with and I am FINALLY saying, Yes, Lord, let’s deal. And guess what? He’s meeting me with grace. It’s actually easier than I thought.  Freedom and peace feel so incredibly sweet.

I know the bestie for life is coming. I know  exciting paths of ministry are ahead. I know that travel is coming. I know that family will come. I know that all of the things He’s whispered are coming.  But He’s asking me to drop some of the heavy luggage so that I can travel lightly so that I can enjoy the Promise Land unencumbered. I can’t explain it, but there are times when He supernaturally plops faith onto you.  You just know in your knower that He’s up to something fun and good and exciting.

I am so in love with this good, good Father of ours.  He is a faithful Papa, friend, joy giver, provider and dream fulfiller.

I’m guessing, based on the stuff God is dealing with in my heart, that meeting the guy is next and I am so excited for that big reveal day. It’s been quite a road of waiting and I am so sick of people telling me the annoying things they say to make us waiters feel better. Bless them. You’re not alone in your headache from all of your eye rolling. There’s grace for them and for you.

Part of this process of being ready for him has been just accepting myself. God whispered to my heart that who I am right now is enough for the guy he’s preparing. All of my flaws, fluff, wrinkles and dorkiness is enough. So...I’m taking God at His word and learning to enjoy this hot mess that I am and praying for my guy to have a sense of humor and patience to deal. Haha!